i've noticed that for a while (andidontexactlyknowhowlongawhileis), i've been stuck in a rut. like, one thing may happen. and as a consequence of that, i will try to fix that thing. and then i do other things and stuff happens. and i develop bad habits and some stuff turns out...bad. its never intentional....why would i even want it to happen? but it does.
i forget. i get lost. and i dont know its happening until its over. then i realise. oh my gosh. what have i gone and done now? this isnt how it should be. i had to do something else. and every time i learn a slightly different lesson. every time i tell myself to not let it happen again. but every time its a tiny bit different. every time it gets out of hand. every time i slip. and im realising it now. i can't cope with it. all the blurry edges are coming into focus now. i have to get away from it and change it. maybe doing that extreme thing will work. maybe this time i should fight negative with negative...........
anyway, in exactly one weeeeeeeeeek;
i'll be flying far far away from current troubles, problems, hardships and stresses to go and face something less annoying, but still something sad (hopefully it'll be even less sad by the time we're there :] ). and i'll be free. and away from so much. and i get the feeling that when i come back, i'll have changed in some way. i think im a little crazy today. i've talked to lots of people but i still feel lonely. possibly cos i didnt go to school today. but then, there are day when i go to school and still feel lonely. i dont know. something else is happening. good or bad? i have no effing idea. maybe i should stop typing before someone (if anyone is even reading this) gets the wrong impression in their head. *whatever you decide after reading this (that is if you actually read the whole thing), its almost certainly NOT true*.....................
sigh. stupid girl.
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